I think hating men has become synonymous with being a women. It feels almost ironic, as we all make fun of men who shit on their wives as a daily bit, that we all just hate men to make conversation.

I’d like to preface this by saying I totally understand where the hate towards men as a species comes from, and it’s justified. Women have been oppressed by men for centuries, and it is hard not to hate them just for the fact they don’t have to live in the fearful box we’re shoved into everyday just by existing.

BUT… in reality hating them is just a coping mechanism. The reality is hate comes from a place of anger and resentment and does not help fix the problems we deal with. This is why I’ve never truly been someone who held hate or resentment towards men. To me, to hate anyone just feels unproductive, and the reality is when we assume all men are pieces of shit, it gives them an excuse to feel good being mediocre.

When we pretend the majority of men don’t support women, then men try to act like the simple act of being a feminist and believing in equality earns them a gold star, as if it’s not incredibly basic to believe we deserve equal rights. I believe the majority of people in general, and therefore men, are good and are capable on treating people well.

I also think this is easier for me to believe then most, because I have the privilege of knowing and being friends with a lot of wonderful men who are allies in every sense of the word. Part of the reason I’ve thought about this topic though, is I’ve often been questioned about whether or not these friendships could ever be as fulfilling as those with another women. Can a man be capable of the same emotional capacity as a women?

Well duh, yeah they can. To assume they can’t just sets the bar low for them. While men are definitely at disadvantage in obtaining emotional intelligence due societal bullshit, they are fully capable. And I think it is incredibly important to say that loud and often. I think when we sit and tell men they are incapable of ever obtaining the emotional understanding and empathy that we have, it discourages them from every working towards having those skills.

The fact is that society does discourage men from being emotional and we need to work to counteract that. Hating men for how society has programmed them to be will not fix the problem.

We should say “I love emotionally intelligent men”, “I love men who support women”, “I love men who use basic logic to not be a literal beef cake on a daily basis”. These sentiments set a standard, instead of assuming the blanket statement that men are all shit and can never achieve being our equal.

The reality is plenty of men are wonderful, and kind, and want to help, but it’s important that we encourage those me to lean into that. We need to cultivate a welcoming environment for men to be wonderful in, instead of telling them they’re the worst based on having a penis.

Now, this doesn’t mean you can’t be frustrated, and just overall traumatized by men. As someone who has spent countless hours speaking to victims of sexual assault and just generally being treated like shit by men, I get it.

But, I encourage you to build close platonic and intimate friendships with men to counteract the shit you’ve dealt with. I am forever grateful for my incredible male friends, because they show me what men are capable of. If a man I’m dating can’t even hold a candle to one of my friends, then he’s not ready to be with me. Developing those friendships helps us all to work towards a more equal society, because it shows men we are all capable of the same bullshit. We are not any better at emotional understanding then them, we’ve just had more practice.